What if the person does not want me to report?

Explain that you have a duty to share the information to keep them safe. You can say, “I understand you don’t want me to tell anyone, but I have to because I am worried about your safety. I will tell you exactly who I am telling and what I will say.” In the UK, the Care Act 2014 statutory guidance says that you cannot keep a disclosure of significant harm secret, even if the person asks you to.

How do I record a disclosure without being intrusive?

Do not pull out a notebook in the middle of the conversation. Wait until the person has finished speaking, then explain you need to write things down to make sure you remember correctly. Use their words, not yours. For example: “She said ‘he hit me with a belt’”, not “she described physical abuse.” Keep the record in a secure place, and only share it with the safeguarding team.

What if the abuser is a family member of mine?

This does not change your duty. The safeguarding principles apply regardless of your relationship to the alleged abuser. You must still believe the person, record, and report. Do not contact the alleged abuser or try to intervene yourself. That could put the person at greater risk. Let the safeguarding team handle it.

Can I support someone who refuses all help?

Yes, but you must respect their autonomy unless there is a risk of immediate serious harm. You can stay in relationship without pushing. Use phrases like “I’m here when you’re ready” and “I care about you, so I will keep checking in.” If they refuse help repeatedly, do not take it personally. Your role is to be a consistent, non-judgemental presence. The “don’t just do something, stand there” approach is sometimes the most helpful thing you can do.

Respond to a disclosure of abuse

When someone tells you they are being abused, your single most important action is to believe what they say. This is not a matter of weighing evidence, checking facts, or deciding if the story is credible. The UK Care Act 2014 statutory guidance makes clear that the first duty of anyone receiving a disclosure is to treat it seriously and to accept what the person says without challenge. If you start questioning, probing, or asking for proof, you risk shutting them down, making them feel blamed, and causing further harm. The investigation is not your job. That belongs to the local authority safeguarding team or the police. Your job is to listen, to believe, and to act safely.

Respond to a disclosure of abuse: Do not investigate, here is what to do instead

Investigating means asking leading questions, trying to gather evidence, contacting the alleged abuser, or making your own judgement about what happened. In safeguarding, this is a dangerous mistake. It can contaminate any future official inquiry, place you in a conflict of interest, and most importantly, put the person at greater risk. Instead, follow the three-step rule used in UK safeguarding practice: record, report, refer.

How to record a disclosure

Write down exactly what the person said, in their own words, as soon as possible. Do not paraphrase, add your interpretation, or tidy up the language. Use quotation marks for key phrases. Include the date, time, and your name. Record any visible injuries or signs of distress, but only what you see, not what you infer. Keep the record secure and confidential.

Who to report to

In England and Wales, the referral route is your local authority’s adult or children’s safeguarding team. If the person is a child (under 18) or an adult at risk (someone who has care and support needs and is experiencing, or at risk of, abuse or neglect), you must report. Do not rely on a friend or colleague to do it for you. The duty applies to all adults at risk and all children under 18. If there is immediate risk of serious harm, call the police on 999 (UK) or 911 (US). Do not wait.

How to refer to specialist support

After reporting, the safeguarding team will decide next steps. Do not promise the person that a specific outcome will happen. Do not promise confidentiality. You can say, “I need to share this with people who are trained to help keep you safe. I will tell you who I am telling and what I am saying.” This honesty builds trust, even if it is uncomfortable.

The limit of confidentiality

Never promise to keep a disclosure secret. This is one of the most common and dangerous pitfalls. If you say “I won’t tell anyone,” and then you must report, the person will feel betrayed and may never disclose again. Instead, say something like: “I am glad you told me. I want to help you stay safe. That means I need to talk to someone who knows how to help in situations like this. I will tell you exactly who I am calling and what I will say.” This respects their dignity and your safeguarding duty.

The threshold for reporting

You do not need proof. The threshold is risk of significant harm. If the person describes physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse that is causing serious distress, financial exploitation, or neglect, you must report. If you are unsure, report anyway. The safeguarding team will triage. It is better to report a low-level concern than to miss a serious one. In the UK, the Care Act 2014 statutory guidance (England) and the Social Services and Well-being (Wales) Act 2014 set this duty for all adults at risk. For children, the Children Act 1989 and Working Together to Safeguard Children 2018 (updated 2023) apply.

How to listen without making things worse

Listening to a disclosure is not the same as having a normal conversation. The person may be scared, ashamed, or confused. They may test you by giving partial information. Your job is to stay calm, listen without interrupting, and use non-directive cues. The Samaritans model of active listening is the gold standard here: nod, use minimal encouragers like “mm-hmm” and “tell me more,” and reflect back feelings without adding your own. For example, if they say “He gets so angry when I forget to buy milk,” you might reflect: “It sounds like his anger scares you.” You do not say “That’s terrible, you need to leave him.” That is advice, which is not your role. The difference between empathy and sympathy matters: empathy says “I can see this is hard for you,” while sympathy says “I feel so sorry for you.” Sympathy can feel patronising and shut down the conversation.

What to say and what not to say

Do say: - “Thank you for telling me. That must have been hard to say.” - “I believe you.” - “This is not your fault.” - “I need to tell someone who can help, but I will let you know who I am telling.” - “What do you need right now?”

Do not say: - “Are you sure that happened?” - “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?” - “He doesn’t seem like the type.” - “I think you should just leave.” - “I won’t tell anyone.” (If you cannot keep that promise.)

After the disclosure: supporting the person

Once you have reported, your role shifts to ongoing support. This is where the principles of informal caregiving and mutual aid apply. The person may feel exposed, worried about reprisals, or unsure what happens next. Do not push them to act. Respect their autonomy. The hierarchy of support from Carers UK and the NHS “Every Mind Matters” framework is: listen first, offer practical help second, and only then signpost to professional services. Practical help might mean accompanying them to a GP appointment, helping them find a local domestic abuse service, or simply being a regular check-in contact. Do not offer vague help like “let me know if you need anything.” Be specific: “I can pick up groceries for you on Tuesday. Would that be okay?” Specific offers are far more likely to be accepted.

Your own boundaries as the supporter

Supporting someone through a disclosure is emotionally demanding. Burnout and compassion fatigue are real risks. The Carer Strain Index shows that supporters who take regular breaks score 40% lower on strain. Set your own boundaries early. You might say, “I want to be here for you, but I also need to take care of myself. I can talk with you for 30 minutes now, and then I need to rest.” This is not cruel. It is sustainable. If you burn out, you cannot help at all. The principle of “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is not a cliché; it is a fact confirmed by carer organisations including Carers UK and the Family Caregiver Alliance.

When to escalate beyond the local safeguarding team

If the person is at immediate risk of serious harm, call emergency services. Do not try to manage it yourself. If they are not in immediate danger but you are worried about their mental health, you can signpost to a crisis line or warmline. In the US, 988 is the crisis line for mental health emergencies. In the UK, 111 option 2 or the Samaritans are appropriate for emotional support. The difference between a crisis line and a warmline is that crisis lines are for immediate risk of harm, while warmlines are for emotional support when there is no immediate danger. Always use a warm handoff: offer to call together or walk them to the phone, rather than just giving a number.

Summary of the decision rule

When someone discloses abuse: - Believe them. - Do not investigate. - Record verbatim. - Report to the local authority safeguarding team or police. - Do not promise secrecy. - Offer specific, practical support. - Protect your own boundaries. - Use a warm handoff to professional services.

This is not about being a hero or a therapist. It is about being a safe, reliable point of contact who knows how to pass the responsibility to the right people while keeping the person’s dignity and safety at the centre.