Supporting someone who is grieving

The one idea that separates helpful presence from well-meaning intrusion is this: your job is not to make the pain go away. Your job is to be present while the person carries it.

Grief is not a problem to be solved; it is an experience to be carried. Your role is to be alongside the person, not to take over. Informal support means offering emotional, practical and social help while respecting the person’s right to make their own decisions. The most common mistake is assuming “helping” means fixing or taking charge. The core skill is attending carefully to what the person says and supporting their own agency.

The World Health Organization describes community-based mental health support as something that should be practical, non-stigmatising and oriented toward a person’s own coping resources. The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies’ Psychosocial Support handbook similarly emphasises that a supporter’s first task is to “do no harm” by responding to expressed needs, not assumed ones.

What “support” actually means here

Support in an informal context is not therapy, medical care or crisis intervention. It is the everyday act of being present, hearing someone without fixing and helping with concrete tasks when asked. The WHO’s guidance on community-based mental health support emphasises that non-professionals can make a significant difference by offering basic psychological first aid, which is about listening, comforting and helping someone feel safe, not diagnosing or treating (WHO, 2021).

The IFRC publishes the Community-Based Health and First Aid and Psychosocial Support manuals, which are used by volunteers worldwide to provide structured, non-clinical support in emergencies and everyday hardship. These manuals stress that the helper’s role is to bolster the person’s own coping, not to replace professional care.

The Samaritans developed the active listening model that most support organisations now teach: give full attention, use open questions, reflect back what you hear and avoid judgement. The Listening Place (UK) trains volunteers in non-directive, face-to-face conversation, meaning the person in distress leads and the volunteer does not steer or advise. The Be There framework similarly emphasises being present without rushing to solve.

How to start supporting someone who is grieving

Start by hearing the person, not by fixing

The most useful thing you can do is give someone your full attention without jumping to solutions. The Samaritans’ model of active listening centres on offering undivided attention, free of judgement, and letting the person set the pace. You do not need to have answers. The Samaritans, who originated this approach, train volunteers to reflect back what the person has said rather than to offer solutions. In practice, reflective listening means saying things like: “It sounds like you felt completely alone when that happened,” or “So you’re worried about how your mum will manage now.” This builds trust faster than nodding or offering reassurance.

The NHS “Every Mind Matters” guidance suggests letting the person lead the conversation and not rushing to fill silences. A useful benchmark from the Samaritans’ active listening model: you are not there to fix, rescue or give answers. You are there to help the person feel heard.

Everyday habits that make a difference

• Ask one open question and stop. “How are you feeling today?” invites more than “Are you okay?”
• Paraphrase what you heard before responding. This signals that you were truly paying attention.
• Use brief acknowledgements (“That sounds really hard”) instead of problem-solving.
• Sit with silence. Do not fill every pause.
• Do not offer unsolicited advice. If you have an idea, ask: “Would it help if I shared something I learned?”
• Accept the person’s own version of events. Your job is not to correct their story or diagnose them.
• If you are unsure what to say, say that honestly: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”

Phrases that close the conversation and what to try instead

Avoid common clichés such as “They’re in a better place”, “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you still have…”. These tend to dismiss the person’s pain. “At least” statements in particular shut down the conversation. It is usually better to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here,” than to fill the silence with a platitude. The Samaritans’ model of listening without judgement (The Samaritans, 2023) is a useful reference for this kind of non-directive support.

Offer practical help that is specific and time-bound

Before you offer help, check your own motivation. Are you offering because it serves the person, or because it makes you feel useful? If the latter, pause. The most reliable approach is to ask what would help, then follow their answer. If they cannot say, offer one or two specific, bounded options.

Vague offers like “let me know if you need anything” put the burden on a grieving person to ask, which most will not do. A specific offer reduces the effort of accepting help. Say “I can bring dinner on Tuesday” or “I can drive you to the appointment on Thursday” instead of “call me if you need anything.” This is the single most concrete skill in informal care.

How to make an offer that is easy to accept

When you make an offer, attach a clear time and a clear task. This makes it easy for the person to say yes or no without feeling they are imposing. If they decline, do not push. A “no” is not a rejection of you; it is a boundary they are allowed to keep. You can leave the door open by saying, “I’ll check in next week in case things change.”

Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:

• “Can I bring dinner on Tuesday or Thursday?”
• “I can pick up your prescription tomorrow morning. Is that helpful?”
• “I have two free hours on Saturday to sit with them while you run errands. Would that work?”

If they say no, accept it without pushing or asking why. A simple “No worries, the offer stands” keeps the door open. The goal is to offer, not to insist.

Coordinating help from a group

If you are organising help from a group, use a coordinator. A coordinated meal train or rota has about 90% reliability, compared with about 60% for informal promises between friends. The coordinator tracks who has signed up, reminds people and fills gaps so the person grieving does not have to manage the rota.